The Kira Chronicles
by SGL
Summary: The Slightly Crack!Drabble Adventures of Kira Izuru. Kira X Soi Fong, KiraYoruSoiish. Don't ask.
1. Therapy

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. I don't make money from fan fiction. Don't sue me.

The Kira Chronicles 

_- Drabble 1 - Therapy - _

Kira fidgeted. A lot. If there was ever a guy who looked less nervous while he was fidgeting, it was Kira Izuru.

The 4th Division Psychiatrist was sitting in the shadows of the office, glasses glowing eerily while the man scribbled into his notepad without looking at it.

"So," The man's voice was oily and soft. "tell me about yourself. Start from the beginning if you can't think of anything."

"Uh... well, I... um."

"Go on."

Kira gulped and fidgeted some more. He sighed, "Y-you know that kid... at Shinigami Academy who always gets picked on because he-he's quiet and weird and paranoid and a little twitchy and sometimes neurotic?"

The man nodded, his glowing lenses bobbing in the dark corner.

Kira began to sweat. "He used to beat me up after class."

- End, Sorta -

Author's Notes: I was inspired by Kira. These are the Continuing Drabbles in the Life of Kira. They are not necessarily in order nor are they anywhere special in the Bleach timeline. For now, let's say this is after the Soul Society/Save Rukia arc.

Review. More soon. Like, really soon.


	2. Gone Are the Days of Virginity

Disclaimer still applies.

**The Kira Chronicles**

_- Drabble 2 - Gone Are the Days of Virginity - _

There was a very soft knock on Soi Fong's office door, as if the visitor did not wish to be loud nor intrusive, nor perhaps, heard at all. Then why the hell was he knocking?

The door creaked open. "Uh, Soi Fong taichou? It's me, uh, Kira Izuru. I'm just delivering some paperwork. I know it's written in the _Gotei 13's Shinigami Handbook_ that Official Temporary Sorta Kinda Captains don't do things like deliver stuff but that rather _large_ unseated officer just looked so _busy_...

... taichou are you _crying_?" Kira gaped.

"Leave!" She threw a stone paperweight at him. He dodged and the paperweight broke against the door. He'd almost slammed the door shut behind him, but Soi Fong let out a lonely little sob and he froze.

"Uh, taichou?"

"I told you to GET THE HELL OUT!"

"Eep! I know! But, um, I just...er..."

Kira peeked at her from behind the door. She didn't look like she was going to throw anything at him. Rather, she looked like she was going to tackle him down and rip out his eyeballs for new paperweights.

Kira sweated and stepped into the room a bit more. "I know you're practically the strongest female fighter in Soul Society and I'm only... well, me, but maybe... maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me about what's wrong. And if you don't want me to talk back I'd-I'd understand."

Soi Fong stopped crying very suddenly. Kira tensed.

"You're a man."

"...uh, yes. But if you don't want me to be..."

"You're a man," she started to rise out of her chair, eyes shadowed. "You're a man and you're willing to listen without talking back. You're willing to admit that I'm better than you. You..."

There was a scarily predatory glint in her eye.

"You are no Yoruichi."

Kira sighed in relief.

"But, you'll do!"

"Eep!" Kira found himself flat on his back on her desk, literally, before he could blink.

"Soi Fong taichou!" He tried to push her off... it wasn't quite working. She was straddling him and biting at his ears and neck.

"We shouldn't..." Kira trailed off, mind blanking, when one of her hands rubbed at his... happy place...

"You're so innocent," she buzzed softly into his ear, "Never been with a woman?"

"Ngh."

"Ah. I'm sorry to say, I won't be gentle."

The 2nd Division offices were resonating with thumping, grunting, yelling, and, in Kira's case, whimpering.

- Not Quite the End -

Kira's getting _laid_... Kira's getting _laid_...

I need constructive criticism. Please point me out to mistakes.


	3. Therapy Continued

Disclaimer? You want another one? Damn. Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite.

**The Kira Chronicles**

_- Drabble 3 - Therapy Continued - _

"So when did these... dreams begin?" Kira was a _little_ scared of those glasses now. There didn't seem to be a body attached to them.

"It was no dream!" Kira insisted. "the Official Bisexual Dominatrix Bitch of the Gotei 13 tied me down to her desk and had her way with me until I passed out. And when I woke up, I was locked out of her office in my underwear, with a note pinned to my forehead. She says I have to go back tonight or – or _she's coming for me_."

Kira's eyes darted left, right, up and down.

The luminous glasses dipped down and began wiping themselves. "I strongly suggest you do not visit Soi Fong taichou with such stories."

"But it's true!"

"Our hour is over. I'll see you next week. Hopefully, we'll be seeing some improvement."

Kira was ushered out of the room by invisible hands. "B-but I've still got the bite marks! Do you want to see them? They're on my-"

"Good bye!"

- The End, if You Want It to Be -

Thanks Ururu, for your review. You, too, Seal-chan, I was going for that effect. XD

By the way, I just read these drabbles over and realized they kinda suck. Not up to my writing standard, at least. But they're a hell of a lot of fun to write.


	4. Girl Talk

Disclaimer: Would Kubo Tite put Kira and Soi Fong together?

Warning: Manga spoilers-ish.

**The Kira Chronicles**

_- Drabble 4 - Girl Talk - _

Kira was sitting in a chair, naked. With a woman. In his lap. And she was naked too.

He should've been ecstatic, but Soi Fong's messy sobbing onto his bare chest put a damper on his mood – and his ego.

Was he that bad at sex?

Though, come to think of it, Soi Fong was _crying_ a lot more than ever before, which, notably, used to be _never_.

"Taichou? I-I'm sorry! I mean, should I have not touched your-"

"Yoruichi!"

"Huh? ...Oh." Well that explained it. Yoruichi had returned to the human world with those ryoka a few weeks before.

"She left me. _Again_. Why... why couldn't she stay?"

"Um, well..." Kira dug around his brain for something to say.

"I miss her," She sniffled and looked up at him. Kira melted. This scary, rough bitch was actually quite adorable while she was sad. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were wet. Soi Fong looked so vulnerable and sweet. It was almost creepy.

"Taichou, uh, I... um, I'm sure she wanted to stay with you, but-but you know... sometimes," Kira gulped. "Sometimes, a person just has to do her own thing, even if it means hurting the people she cares about. But it's not like it's forever. She'll come back soon."

Even as the words left his mouth, Kira, feeling Soi Fong's slender, short frame in his arms, sincerely hoped not.

"Really?" Sniffle. Teary eyes. So cute.

"Uh, I _think_ so."

There was a stifling pause before Kira felt nibbling on his ear and Soi Fong whispered, "Yoruichi would love you."

"I..." Kira blinked. "Really? Yoruichi?" _She's hot..._

"Yes," Soi Fong grinned, her smile like a knife: sharp and shiny and dangerous. "And I'm willing to share..."

Blood flushed to Kira's face and, _ahem_, other places.

Soi Fong pressed her nose to his. "And as long as nobody finds about this – _especially that I cried on you –_ I won't punish you in the harshest methods known only to the most feared members of Soul Society."

Her eyes did not lie. No one would find the pieces of his body.

What the hell had he got himself into?

Nibble. Oooh... oh yes, _that_...

- End! Just Kidding. I'm Messing With Ya' -

Author's Notes: Damn, this fic is getting worse.

Dude, I'm glad I've shocked people with this pairing. I wanted to try something original and stupid and fun. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I came up with this crack!pairing. I've probably just been reading too much Zaraki/Unohana.

Hyuuga Byakugan: Glad you enjoyed it! Sorry, though, this is a drabble collection. I'm exploring brevity and shock.

Dinkus: Thanks for the review.

Constructive criticism please! I really want to make this worth reading.


	5. Return of the Kitty

Warnings: Crack-tastic-ness and manga spoilers, maybe...

I wrote this because I couldn't make it to the Harry Potter 4th movie showing, so I was bored at home instead of out there in my knee-high gold and red socks.

**The Kira Chronicles**

_- Return of the Kitty - _

Kira was finding swallowing and blinking a bit difficult. He had ambled into Soi Fong's room's doorway expecting – well, he didn't know _what_ he was expecting, but the legendary and way hot Yoruichi lounging comfortably on Soi Fong's bed wasn't quite _it_.

Seconds later, Soi Fong came from behind and shoved him in the room, introducing him even as he peeled himself off the floor.

"Yoruichi, this is Kira. The one I told you about."

Kira was quite sure by now that the look on Soi Fong's face was reserved only for deadly hollows, tender steak, and himself.

Kira staggered up and stumbled back a bit into the bed.

"R-right now? But there's... company..."

"Why do you think I've returned?" Yoruichi whispered into his ear from behind. "Soi promised to share."

Kira rather melted on the spot when she threw an arm around his shoulders.

"I appreciate you keeping an eye out for her." Yoruichi's breath slid softly down his collar. "I've missed her so and I'd have hated to hear that she had been lonely."

Soi Fong leaned in too, teeth gleaming. "Let's make a sandwich to reward him."

Kira looked up. "You're hungry? Want to me to make it?"

The women only laughed and closed in on poor Kira.

_The next day..._

"Kira! Concentrate!"

"Huh?"

Renji and Hisagi threw themselves in front of a dazed-looking Kira, just a split second before the big hollow's bony hammer of a hand smashed down on his head.

Renji finished the hollow off while Hisagi started shaking Kira violently.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

Kira wasn't paying attention – he'd just spotted a stray cat swatting playfully at a bumblebee.

"WAH! NO! SANDWICHES!"

Kira passed out cold on the dirt.

"Oy, he's not dead is he?" Renji walked over.

"I don't know. Poke him with your zanpakutou."

"Zabimaru might just eat him."

"Oh."

_- Ending Are Overrated -_

This is bad. But Badfics are fun. Now I get why people write them!

I dislike femmeslash. A lot. But I couldn't resist. Plus, this is more for comedy than romance.


	6. Perversion

Sorry about the slow update. I blame the internet.

Disclaimer: I wish (:snorts:)

**The Kira Chronicles**

_- Drabble 6 - Perversion -_

Kira felt himself being slapped lightly into consciousness. That meant only one thing...

"...mmm, Taichou, you're hurting me... keep going..." he mumbled, eyes till shut, though, a certain, er, _part _of him stiffened to life. Kira began to smile and moan a little.

Then, there was a rather unfamiliar pause.

Suddenly, Kira felt someone yanking his arm up and throwing him stiffly onto his face, a knee digging into the back of his neck as his "attacker" threw her full weight onto him.

Kira began to whine, "No, Yoruichi-sama! Please, not like that! Not again!"

Then, someone began whacking him repeatedly over the head with what _felt _like a zanpakutou hilt. Hm... this was a new development.

Kira blinked his eyes open into bright light.

"Matsumoto... san?" Kira stuttered. His cheek was pressing into the tatami. Oh shit.

Matsumoto looked kinda... pissed. She was chewing her lip, eyes closed, and had her arms folded under her, uh... most prominent feature, still maintaining a grip on that terrifying zanpakutou of hers.

"Shuuhei and Renji dropped you off here when they couldn't wake you up-"

"Oh! So you've taken me in?" Kira snapped into a nervous smile. "That's so nice of you-"

"The boys left you on my doorstep!" The tone of her voice made Kira feel like crawling away - which might have been possible had she not been sitting on him. "I dragged your heavy-ass body in here and the first thing that happens in response to my charity is complete perversion!"

A dangerous vein popped into life on her forehead.

"... you - you think I'm fat?" Kira moaned. Well, maybe he _could _do with a little working out, but he'd always considered himself dismally skinny...

Her eyes snapped open. "You idiot! I'm talking about your damn boner! I thought you were one of the sweeter ones, one of the good guys, but _no_... Renji and them must've gotten to you. You even pass out on the battlefield now from weird sex dreams involving lesbians..."

Throughout her rant, Kira thought to set Matsumoto straight, but realized he couldn't, not without giving away a secret that would bring Soi Fong down on him... hm... yeah, like that one time in her office... no! Wait, not in _that _way... right?

_Oh, god_, Kira realized, _I am a pervert._

- Pret**END** -

I don't think this is as funny as the others, but I wanted to put Matsumoto in this somewhere. Oh well, maybe I'll be a bit more inspired for the next one...

Hey, am I the first one to ever write this pairing? Even if it is for crack? If I am... wow, I feel kinda special. _Twisted_, but special.

Thanks to the reviewers!


	7. I Missed You

- **I Missed You** -

Kira really liked hot showers. And not _just_ because he got to be naked and wet, which he just... liked to be sometimes.

Though, after an hour, he had to admit he was getting a bit antsy from all the soaping and rubbing. So Kira rinsed out the lovely rose-scented shampoo he had received as a gift from Ukitake, Vice-President of the Shinigami Great Hair Society, and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel monogrammed "Q" (He'd thought the letter was pretty.) about his butt and pulled opened the door to his bedroom.

"I missed you!" Soi Fong burst through the steam and threw her arms and legs around Kira, who dropped his towel in surprise.

"Uh... you did?" Kira was very naked. And Soi Fong was _very_ wrapped around his waist.

"I thought that you had forgotten about me," Soi Fong pouted, "or worse, that some _whore's_ lecherous tongue had tasted _my_ sweet little pound cake."

"_Ew_. Wait... pound cake?"

"Unless you _have_ been consorting with lesser women?"

"Wha? NO!" Kira nearly fell backwards from shock.

Soi Fong' eyes narrowed, then widened. She brought her nose to meet his, "Don't lie! You've been touched by another woman haven't you?" Rather than letting Kira go, she clutched tighter to him. "Who was it?"

"I never-"

"Matsumoto? She's always flashing you her cleavage! Nanao? I swear she's been lusting after you ever since that one time she asked you to pass the salt! Unohana? I know she calls you in for more appointments than you need! Or was it..."

Soi Fong dropped to her feet, gasping and wheezing angrily, "Hinamori! It was _that twit _wasn't it?"

"Hinamori?" Kira hadn't liked her since the Academy years. Soi Fong turned on heel and began marching out the door, muttering to herself.

"She's been pulling that wounded kitten act on everyone. Acting all betrayed and hurt and..."

"No!" Kira sprinted to catch her before she left the 3rd Division building and did something _bad_.

_Wham_! Too late. And now he would have to replace the front doors too. There were several shinigami standing around, staring at the damage.

"Uh, s-sorry guys," Kira laughed nervously, darting past to keep pace with Soi Fong, "I'll get that fixed first thing tomorrow."

And now they were staring at _him_.

Oh, had he forgotten his towel? Kira froze and Soi Fong called back to him.

"I'm going to go kill her, Kira, I'll be right back."

- _Almost to the End_ -

This chapter was based on real-life events. Sort of.

It's been a while, hasn't it? School + job + lots of other things no time to update. Sorry. Not like the Bleach fanfiction world has been missing out on much, though. And it may almost be time to end and retire this collection. I'm just running out of ideas is all. I'll try though.

THANK YOU REVIEWERS! I heart each and every one of you.


	8. The Shinigami Great Hair Society

**- Drabble 8 – The Shinigami Great Hair Society -**

Kira was wandering forlornly through the Seireitei on the morning after his post-shower confrontation. He had not been able to find Soi Fong, but the lack of news of a bloody rampage, or of Hinamori's tragic maiming, or of any sudden and sub-freezing changes in the weather patterns indicated that Soi Fong had yet to find Kira's old school friend.

"Hey! Kira!"

Ukitake was striding up the street behind Kira, flanked by his ever-present lunatic fanclub... er, third seat officers, Kiyone and Sentarou. Those two were scowling and eerily quiet today.

"Hi, Ukitake-taichou," Kira sighed heavily. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine," Ukitake smiled too much for an ill man, Kira always thought. "Actually, I have a favor to ask you."

"Is it about the new Shiseido hair care catalogue from the human world?" Kira began sweating a bit. "I'll get a new one, I promise! I told Hitsugaya-taichou at the last Society meeting... I'm really sorry I lost it. But ever since Kuchiki-taichou offered to help organize the 3rd Division offices, I've been unable to find a lot of my hair care products. I think someone must've taken them."

"Oh, yes," Ukitake rubbed his chin. "I've been asked to put out a warning to all Great Hair Society members about the possibility of a hair product thief, but I haven't gotten around to it."

Kiyone nudged her captain and Sentarou cleared his throat.

"Oh, yes. Sorry. Anyway, that wasn't what I needed to ask." Ukitake's calm, grinning face did not change in any way. "I just needed a new heart and lung is all. Can you spare one of yours?"

"Uh," What could Kira say? Was he allowed to turn down a senior captain? "I sort of need mine."

"Oh, poo. Unohana-taichou's been going on about needing to get me transplant recently. And I've been telling her that if she wasn't so darn good at her job, we'd have more donor bodies, you know?" Ukitake laughed heartily.

"Er, right," Kira shuffled a bit, crossing his arms over his chest in an effort to hide any vulnerabilities to his vital organs from the searching gazes of Kiyone and Sentarou.

"Anyway, the next G.H.S. meeting is next Monday night, and we'll be doing a group session on leave-in conditioning, plus hazing some of the new members... you're welcome to present your case about the thief and organize a task force. But I'll ask the President for more instructions..."

"By the way, captain," Kira fidgeted. "I wanted to ask... I've been in the Society almost a year now, but I've never met the President. He's never shown up to any meetings..."

Kira was cut off by Ukitake's sudden giggle as the captain drew a finger up to his lips in a zipping motion. Ukitake motioned to Kira to lean in. Kiyone and Sentarou each took that as a cue to step back and commence disharmonious humming.

"Now, now, all things in come in time," Ukitake whispered. "Don't worry about it... just know this: He is a great leader and a true model of great hair for all shinigami." Ukitake leaned in closer, and dropped his voice even lower. "And even though you haven't seen him, he has seen you... and the President believes that you have potential."

"Really?"

Ukitake nodded.

The two men stepped back and tossed their hair, at once emulating and improving upon the classic hair care commercial movement. It was the G.H.S. "handshake" of sorts. Of course Ukitake's striking locks caught the wind more theatrically, but Kira's bangs had a unique sort of lift to them.

Ukitake then turned and swept down the street with his officers in tow. Kira was left with a glowing feeling of accomplishment. He returned to his search with a spring in his step.

**- End? I dare not believe it! -**

First things first, I must acknowledge and thank **maranta aira** for doing the most unimaginably flattering thing any fan fiction writer could have done for them – volunteering out of the blue to translate this humble crack!fic into Russian to share this with another part of the international Bleach community. It's the coolest thing, like ever, for an aspiring writer.

Secondly, I know this is less funny than the last one, but I really had fun with the G.H.S. Review please!


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